Find your way out

You may feel even worse when you have certain emotions,

but they are actually the guideposts to the solutions.

You can improve your situation by asking yourself three questions:

  1. What do you want?

    It is easier to think of a solution by concentrating on what you want instead of something you do not want.

  2. How will that help you?

    The reason for you to take action will become more obvious when you are doing it for yourself instead of for the sake of others

  3. What can you do right now?

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Case examples

Your results in the previous section showed that you feel

He never listens to me!
What do you want?
I want him to be more obedient.
How will that help you?
That will give me less hassle.
You said you want to avoid hassles. Does that mean you want things to be easier for you?
Yes, I want things to be easier for me.
What will happen when things are easier for you? How will you feel?
I won't get mad so easily. I can stay calm when I am with him and we can get along together.
What is making that so important for you?
I want both of us to be happy when we are together.
In that case, what can you do right now?
I can learn some relaxation skills. I can also use more humour and improve our communications, so he will be more willing to listen to me. That will make both of us happier.
She is deteriorating.
What do you want?
I don't want her to get worse.
You don't want to see her getting worse. Does that mean you want her situation to be stable?
Yes, I want her situation to be stable.
How will that help you?
I won't feel so sad and be so worried.
You said you want to avoid feeling sad and worried. Does that mean you want to feel calm and at ease?
Yes, I want to feel calm and at ease.
What will happen when you are able to be calm and at ease? How will you feel?
I will look brighter when I am with her. I could handle her changes more easily. And I will have a peaceful feeling in my heart.
What is making that so important for you?
I want to cherish the time we can spend with each other. I want both of us to be happy in the limited time.
In that case, what can you do right now?
I can adjust my expectations of her situation according to the prognosis. This will make me more relaxed. She will be happy when I am relaxed too.
I fear that I will have dementia and need to be taken care of by others in the future just like him.
What do you want?
I don't want to be a burden to my family members.
You don't want to be a burden to your family members. Does that mean you want to stay healthy as you age?
Yes, I want to stay healthy as I age.
How will that help you?
I won't want to depend on others.
You said you want to avoid depending on others. Does that mean you want to be able to take care of yourself as you age?
Yes, I want to be able to take care of myself as I age.
What will happen when you can take care of yourself as you age? How will you feel?
I will be calm and have higher self-esteem.
What is making that so important for you?
I can be nice to my family members and they will be kind to me.
In that case, what can you do right now?
I can try my best to keep a healthy lifestyle, and stay positive and be relaxed when there are unanticipated circumstances.
No one is willing to help me.
What do you want?
I want other family members to understand my situation and help me to take care of her.
How will that help you?
I don't have to feel so lonely when I am doing so much to take care of her.
You said you want to avoid feeling lonely during the caregiving process. Does that mean you want to feel that you are being cared for and supported by other family members?
Yes, I want to feel that I am cared for and supported by other family members.
What will happen when you can feel the care and support? How will you feel?
I will feel that I am being cared for and loved, and I will have the strength to carry on.
What is making that so important for you?
I want to see the value in taking care of a family member with dementia.
In that case, what can you do right now?
I can be more assertive in expressing the difficulties in the caregiving process and my needs, I can also ask for advice from other family members, my friends and even social service providers.
I have to work so I can only hire a maid to take care of him.
What do you want?
I want to spend more time on taking care of him directly.
How will that help you?
I feel guilty for not being able to spend more time with him and take care of him. I am afraid I may regret it in the future.
You said you want to avoid feeling guilty and regret. Does that mean you want to feel calm and at ease, both in the present and the future?
Yes, I want to feel calm and at ease, both in the present and the future.
What will happen when you are able to be calm and at ease? How will you feel?
My conscience can be clear no matter how his disease progresses. I can feel no qualms about it.
What is making that so important for you?
I want to be a man of strict morality.
In that case, what can you do, now?
I can recognise my situation more and accept that there are things I cannot control. I can show more gratitude for the time we have together. I can also pay more attention to the changes in his condition so I can do what is needed in time.
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